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06 August 2013

Happy Birthday Baby.


Eleven years ago today, Daddy & I woke up like any other day.  Turns out, it was to be a special day - your birthday.  You see, after keeping you safe for the past 24 weeks inside my womb, and despite visits to specialists and an overwhelming amount of testing and weeks of fevrent prayers you weren't able to stay with us.  I can still see your Daddy holding you, wrapped in your pink blanket and knowing at that moment that he was the best and bravest man I'll ever know. 

Sometimes we go through things and as time passes we can see that we went through that time for a reason, a purpose.  Eleven years later and I still have no reason why you shouldn't have come home with us.  Wait, I'm not being entirely honest.  The real question I still struggle with is why did God take you from us and break our hearts?

I didn't have the "good church girl" response.  I couldn't put on my church face and get back to life.  It hurt to be in church, it hurt to be around people.  I had had miscarriages before in the first trimester, so why did God let me have you for 24 weeks, just to take you back?  I was mad.  Not just mad, furious with God.  And you know what, it turns out that it's OK to be mad at God.  He's a big God.  He can handle it.  He loves me despite my ugliness in so many ways.  It took a long time to realize that. 

So on your birthday Grace, let sweet Jesus hold you until Mom & Dad can hold you and know that we love you more than you can imagine. 

Happy Birthday baby.